


arms unfolding

by galaxy_houseplants



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Breakup, Getting Back Together, Implied Sexual Content, Light Angst, M/M, Miscommunication, No cheating, POV Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Songfic, They still love each other, but it all ends okay dont worry, guys im writing angst again what IS this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-02
Updated: 2019-03-02
Packaged: 2019-11-07 23:22:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17970008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/galaxy_houseplants/pseuds/galaxy_houseplants
Summary: Had it really been three months?or; a songfic inspired by Arms Unfolding by Dodie Clark





	arms unfolding

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [arms unfolding (songfic)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17594525) by [goldenthunderstorms (PotatosaurusOfBroadway)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PotatosaurusOfBroadway/pseuds/goldenthunderstorms). 



> hey yall the song is shorter than the time it takes to read this but you can listen to it [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5aW8ZN43UMA) it's a really beautiful song
> 
> i was also inspired by a beautiful fic inspired by the same song, if you've read The Gentleman's Guide to Vice and Virtue by Mackenzi Lee you should definitely read it (it's in the Inspired By thing)  
> enjoy some Light relationship angst lol
> 
> it's baz's POV if you can't figure that out urself
> 
> edit 4/4/19: shout out to HermioneGirl96 for pointing out that I switch to 3rd person at one point toward the end- this has been fixed! thank you!

_hope I'm not tired of rebuilding/ ‘cause this might take a little more / i think i'd like to try look at you / and feel the way i did before_

Had it really been three months?

I still don’t quite understand what happened between Simon and I. A year into our relationship, and suddenly our lives weren’t compatible and we couldn’t communicate. It felt like our high school years all over again- we couldn’t spend an evening together without fighting over something.

It wasn’t like we fell out of love. Some days, we loved each other so intensely that it was almost painful, I almost couldn’t hold on to it all. But I didn’t have to- I could tell him, and then _maybe_ for a couple of hours, days even, we would be back to how it was in the beginning. But then, one of us would forget something or do something wrong or screw up, and we would be back at it- taking that stupid, petty bickering and turn it somehow into a shouting match. Even now, three months after we officially decided we couldn’t take it anymore, I still love him. So much.

The way we ended was explosive. Fitting, considering how we started. I don’t remember what started the argument. I think one of us might have forgotten to pick up food to cook dinner, and it turned into both of us digging up any old troubles we could think of, and screaming at each other in the middle of Simon and Penny’s flat, and Penny crying, and probably me crying, and Simon telling me to ‘ _get out!’,_ pointing at the door and not looking me in the eyes. Even then, the second-last time I saw him in three months, he was _beautiful_. His blue eyes were flaming, jaw set, shoulders back, hands on his hips like he was made of stone and would never move again. I grabbed my wallet and keys and jacket, and slammed the door, marching out into the freezing December air.

I don’t know whether it was made easier or harder by the fact that I didn’t actually live with Simon. While I didn’t have to officially move out, I did have to go back there. I gave it five days- no texts, no calls but for one from Penny. I deleted it- nothing she could say would have convinced me to swallow my pride and call him first. When I showed up, I knew that this was it. We were done. I was forcing that thought down until the door was swung open by Simon, who looked like a gorgeous mess, with his hair rumpled and bags under his eyes.

“Simon--” Just as I tried to talk to him, he shut the door, a scowl on his face. A minute later, Penny let me in , sighing. She went into her room and shut the door, leaving us to talk, as much as neither of us really wanted to.

“Baz, I don’t want to talk to you.”

“I know. But we have to. I don’t know what--”

“We should break up.” I knew it was coming, but _Jesus_ did It hurt to hear it coming from him. I never thought he’d say something like that. Just a few months before, we were madly, desperately in love, to the point that Penelope almost screamed at _us_ for the constant, overbearing warmth (I should really say _heat_ ) there was between us. Now there we were. Unable to make eye contact, standing around like we didn’t even know each other.

“I…” For once, it was me who couldn’t form a full sentence. “We can make this work. I’m sorry.”

“Haven’t we tried that a thousand times? I love you. You know that. But we’re too- too different. Our lives don’t work together. We can’t communicate.” By this point we both had tears running down our faces, falling into the corner of my mouth. He was running his fingers through his thatch of golden curls, and I wanted to grab him and kiss him and never let him go. “I’m sorry, too. But we have to end this.”

“I’ll go and get my things.” I didn’t have anything left to say to him.

_oh, our fire died last winter / all of the shouting blew it up / you know i could live without or with you / but i might like having you about_

In the months since, though I’ll never tell him this, I’ve made a list of all the things I want to say to him. Sometimes, they’re mundane things- the kind of stuff I’d have texted him during the day, like if I saw an interesting bird, or someone with cool hair, or something at the supermarket that I thought he would have liked. Other times, it gets pretty sad. I wish I had told him so many things before I left that day, but when I did, I was lost for words. I knew it would be wrong to try to convince him to stay, I would look desperate, and would almost definitely break down, but it ripped my heart in two to leave without doing anything.

It doesn’t help that I have classes with Penelope. Our friendship hasn’t been the same, because the most important person in her life is Simon (or maybe Micah, now, I guess) and she doesn’t tell stories about him to me. We used to talk about him sometimes- we both loved him, and not having that in common anymore has made everything weird.

I certainly don’t sleep as well as I used to. I used to stay at their flat most nights, my long legs curled around Simon’s, chin settled on the top of his head, and we’d wake up with my face pressed into his chest, and it felt safer than anything I’d ever felt before. Now I’m cold at night, not to be a living cliche, but opening my eyes in the morning to an empty bed just rubs in that I love someone, had him, and let him go.

And, just to reiterate, I do still love him. I can live without him, I’m not quite _that_ lost in the world, but God, I’d rather not have to. If, one day out of the blue, he came to my flat or texted me and told me he wanted to get back together, I’d say yes in a heartbeat. We could go back to the way we used to be. I’ve learned to communicate, maybe he’s learned to remember to buy food. Not that I would know. We haven’t spoken.

The closest we’ve come to a reunion has been stalking each other’s Instagrams. I had a shitty week in February when he posted a picture with a girl I didn’t recognise, only to feel a wave of relief when he posted about being single on Valentine’s Day. I know he’s free to date whoever, but some part of me still hoped he hadn’t moved on.

I tried dating someone else. He was cute enough- dark eyes, nice personality. We went out twice, hooked up, turned out he was cheating on someone else with me. So that was a great experience overall, because it reminded me how Simon and I would never have considered doing that to each other, not even when things got bad.

_yes, these new walls are pretty hard to crack / and it might take a while until i trust you won’t attack / i apologize but it was only self defense / running away just made sense_

So, three months of no contact later, you can imagine I was pretty surprised to see him again.

It was ten o’clock in the morning on a Saturday in late March when someone knocked loudly on my door. I assumed it was one of my neighbours, or a delivery I’d forgotten about, but when I opened it, there he was. I took a step away from him, straightening my posture, wide-eyed. He looked like a bit of a wreck, again, in sweatpants and a band t-shirt from, like, 1995. But, of course, he looked cute, a blush forming in the apples of his freckled cheeks.

“Simon?” My eyes widened, and I tugged at the collar of my shirt, trying to make myself look decent.

“Hey, Baz. Can— can we talk?”

“Yeah, we can. Long time, no see.” I opened the door a little wider and moved out of the way so he could come in. He had only been to my place a couple of times, since his was bigger and a bit nicer. He kicked off his shoes and followed me through to the kitchen/living room, and awkwardly perched himself on the edge of the couch. It felt like I was in a trance- I couldn’t quite believe he was there, _talking_ to me. I sat down properly, and he started talking.

“So, when you left that day, when we argued, there was a whole lot of shit I wish I hadn’t said. I feel like we both dealt some pretty low blows and said things we didn’t mean.”

“Yes, definitely, but Simon--”

“--And I know that for a while back then, we were arguing all the time, but I think that’s on me. I was having a bad time with uni and work and everything, but I’ve got it sorted out. I’ve learned a lot about coping with stuff, and I’ve also learned how it feels to be in a shitty relationship with someone you don’t care about enough.”

“Same here. Some guy cheated on his wife with me.”

“That’s… rough. It must have sucked.”

“It really did. God, I missed you that week.” I said, my voice low. “Wait, shit, I hope that’s not weird to say.”

“No, it’s fine, that’s kind of why I came here. Because I miss you so goddamn much that it _hurts._ ” Simon said, making a fist with his splayed right hand. “And I wanted to ask if we could try and be _us_ again. Now that I’ve sorted out my stuff.”

“ _Simon,_ I don’t even know how to say how much I want that.” I said, saying a silent prayer of thanks to any deity that might possibly exist- Greco-Roman, Egyptian, God with a capital G, anyone- for making this happen, for making him decide, for some reason, to come back to me. I’m not in any way religious, but in that moment I was. “Now get over here.”

Simon slipped off the corner of the couch that he’d been sitting on and sat next to me. I took his hand, and he looked at me like I was precious. His eyes flickered to my lips (and I thanked myself for putting lip balm on that morning). He shifted so our noses were almost touching, before leaning backwards abruptly.

“Is it okay if I--”

“ _Please.”_

Simon and I always kissed like if we were separated, the world would end. That day was no different, but we were both managing to tell each other so many things without having to say a word. I stood up for a second, briefly looking at him with his hair rumpled and lips red, before sitting back down, straddling his lap. I wrapped my arms around him, sinking my teeth into his lip gently, and I didn’t let go.

Hours later, we were both dozing on my bed, with Simon lying with his head on my chest and his body curled around mine. He looked up at me and smiled, and it was the best thing I’d ever seen in my twenty years of life. He settled his head back where it was.

“I never stopped loving you. Never.” he said, voice rough and raspy. He reached up and placed a light kiss on the base of my neck.

“Neither did I. And honestly, after all of what we've gone through and come out fine, I don’t think I ever will.”

_but here I am with arms unfolding / i guess it isn‘t quite the end / old partner in crime, i'm going to try / to fall in love with you again_

**Author's Note:**

> my tumblr is [galaxy-houseplants](https://galaxy-houseplants.tumblr.com) if you wanna follow it!
> 
> hope you enjoyed also listen to dodie clark she'll make you feel things


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